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Evangelical Christians have their eyes on Camp Crystal Lake


Documentaries like Jesus Camp [trailer] make me feel like never visiting America again. Scary people. Scary Jesus Land. Scary plans they have for their country, for the whole planet. The documentary did, however, give me good ideas for two horror films.

The first film is a new version of Friday 13th. The film starts with Camp Crystal Lake being purchased by an evangelical mega church for the purposes of using it to brainwash children and convert homos into good little Christians (the makers of the film could even get evangelical leader Ted Haggard to play the head of the church - I can't imagine he has much work since he got busted doing drugs with a male escort.) A group of teenagers arrive at the camp a few days before all the guests in order to bless and pray over each cottage. There's even a christian heavy metal group amidst them, who want to do a bit of soundchecking and rehearsing before the camp kicks off. It is thanks to the band's sonorous racket that Jason is brought back to life.

At first, the teenagers don't think much of the corpses they find because they think Jesus is striking dead the councellors that were indulging in sin (we can even include a bit of gay sex between two horny closeted christians that gets interruped by Jason.) Slowly, though, the horror dawns on them that Jason is not Jesus. He's the devil himself! They pray, they throw holy water at him, they hold crucifixes, they speak in tongues, but nothing can stop his killing spree. Finally, a councillor who was forced to work at the camp by her devout parents, and who is going through a crisis of faith, ends up being the solve survivor. She battles it out with Jason in Camp Crystal Lake's brand new church and manages to kill him (but not before blowing up the church to smithereens.)

The second horror film I had in mind is a sequel to the Japanese horror series Battle Royale. In this new film, two groups of people - evangelical christians and fundamentalist muslims - find themselves on a strange island in the middle of nowhere with an assortment of weapons (mostly of the medieval kind) at their disposal. A mysterious voice (who calls himself The Atheist) tells them that only one person will be allowed off the island, that they must fight each other to the end. After much bloodshed, one person stumbles alive to the island's escape pod, which from the start of the film both groups know only fits one person - and here I'm tempted to make one of the fundamentalist muslims be the survivor - only to find himself/herself ejected into outer space! The final scene shows The Atheist enjoying a glass of bubbly while staring at a peaceful sea.

I just know, deep in my soul, that I'd break all box office records.
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