Dance & Drink & Screw

I’m Diplomat Joe McDonald; I have been trying to reach you on your telephone about an hour now just to inform you about my successful arrival in John F. Kennedy International Airport with your Two Consignment Boxes worth $750 Thousand Dollars each which I have been instructed by ECOWAS COURIER DELIVERY COMPANY to be delivered to you. The Airport Authority demanded for all the legal back up papers to prove to them that the Fund is no way related with Drug nor Fraud Money, I have presented the papers I handed to them and they are very much pleased with the paper’s I presented but the only thing that is still keeping me here in the airport delivery is Yellow Tag which is not placed on the Two Boxes, one of the Airport Authority has advise that we get the Delivery Tag so that I can exit the airport immediately and make my delivery successful. I try to reason with them and they stated that the Delivery Tag will cost us just $109 Dollars only to get the Two Tag placed on the Boxes as that Tag will enable me get to your house successfully without any interference. They scanned the Two Boxes and found out that the Fund is 100% spendable and accepted by any Bank in the whole world.

Please try and reach me with my International Roaming Number: +123-45678910 or via email (dip-joemcdonald@jfkairport.com) as I can not afford to spend more time here due to other delivery I have to take care of in Bangkok. Here are the papers backing the funds together with my ID CARD as I can accompany you to your Bank were you will deposit the fund successfully with these papers. I have more vital paper with me but I can only present you the hard copy when I reach your house as that it’s the Diplomatic rules, such as authorization to deliver.

You can direct the Tag Fee through Western Union to our Head Office as they will get it here for you and they are entitled to receive and make any payment to foreign countries authority.

GET BACK TO ME WITH THE YELOW TAG FEE IN MY EMAIL NOW: (dip-joemcdonald@jfkairport.com)

NOTE: You must stop all further contact or communication with every other person or Offices regarding your Funds because it is only me Diplomat Joe McDonald that have the legitimate right and mandate to Pay you accordingly. These mentioned criminal suspects attempted to secretly divert your Funds into an unknown Account in Europ.

As soon as i received the $109.00 Payment Information, I will proceed my journey to your address without any further delay.

Best Regards,
Diplomat Joe McDonald.

Hello, me Igor. Hear telephone ring but scared it is bad people. Very sad it was you calling from airport. So sorry. Igor bad. Igor don't want to be bad. Igor want to help but how? Master is arrested by bad people - cri-mi-nal suspects - and they treat Master very bad. Yes. They say Master must show them where the money is. We have statue of Virgin though . Many many statues with gold coins inside. You want one Virgin Diplomat Joe? Maybe can buy more than $109 Europop? If money in the crate - many many money - not possible to use that money to pay for bad people to let you out of airport? Igor want to help. Igor don't want to be bad. Igor very sad for being bad. Igor try calling your phone but woman call me shithead and say she was Ryanair and Igor wasting time. Igor confused. Igor didn't think Ryanair had office in JFK Airport. Please Diplomat Joe McDonald, please say how best for Igor to send money to get crates. Master happy if crates here when he leaves prison. Yes, he very happy! Igor happy too if Master happy. Igor await your reply and hope cri-mi-nal suspects don't make Diplomat Joe sleep on uncomfortable airport seats.

Goodbye from Igor

Hello James,
Thanks for the mail, I am so sorry for Igor. I have a client in united kingdom that wants to issue a check to my company in london, I will like you to receive the check and deposit into your bank account and if the money has been deposited into your account you can deduct %10 from the money and send the remaining money to my manager in africa. I hope this deal will be good for you.

I am waiting for your reply on this deal.

Regards

Adams

Dear Adams,

Out on the winding, wintry morgues we'd roll and fall in glee. I had a temper like my jealousy - too hot, too greedy. How could Igor leave me, when I needed to possess him? I hated him... but I loved him, too.

Bad dreams in the night - Igor once told me he was going to lose the fight, leave behind my lingering, lingering, lingering bites.

"Carvalho, it's me, I’m Igor, I've come home and I'm so cold, let me in your window. Carvalho, it's me, I’m Igor, I've come home and I'm so cold, let me in your window."

Adams, it gets dark! It gets lonely, on the other side from him. I pine a lot, I find the lot falls through without him. "I'm coming back," Igor wailed. "Cruel Carvalho, my one dream, my only master."

Too long I roamed in the night. And now he's coming back to my side, to put it right. Igor's coming home to my lingering, lingering, lingering bites.

"Carvalho, it's me, I’m Igor, I've come home and I'm so cold, let me in your window."

Ooh! Let me have it. Let me grab his soul away. Ooh! Let me have it. Let me grab his soul away. You know it's him -- Igor!

Wistfully yours,

James

P.s. I managed to snap a photo of the apparition outside my window. Do you think it might actually be Igor?!?

( A photo of Igor's ghost? )

Hello James,
When is Igor coming to africa??

Hello Mr Lawrence,

I am very worried about Igor. I don't know when he'll arrive in Africa... I don't even know if he's still alive!

About a week ago, the ship he was stowed away in sent a distress signal that was picked up by the YMCA Royal Navy. It appears that the ship encountered heavy storms on the way to Africa and crashed against some rocks. Many died or disappeared under the waves; Igor was one of the few that survived (his morse code was sent from the captain's cabin just before he jumped out of the window and managed to land in one of the dinghys.) Unfortunately, he lost all of the Virgin statues with the gold coins, apart from one stuffed down his trousers (maybe it's enough for a down payment on your property, if he gets there?) The gifts for the security guards were also lost.

About a few days ago, I received a text message from his mobile phone. It appears that the survivors of the ship found an island off the African coast and are currently there. All attempts on my part to locate the exact position of the island, however, have been futile - it's as if the place is off the maps! He was in high spirits until this morning, when a distressing message arrived together with a mobile photo: "They all died. Please help me. I'll try to make it to the second island in a boat I found. They killed them, the Others killed them all..."

As you can imagine, I'm deathly pale with worry. I sincerely hope he manages to make it to Africa and buy the land for me, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I fear the worst.

Attentiously yours,

James Carvalho

( Last photo sent from Igor's mobile phone )

Hello Cavarlho,
Thanks for your mail, i will like to see the photo of mr igor so that i will know how to describe him whenever he arrives in africa. i will also want to know how much he will be bringing with him?
The coins you are talking about is it the coins that they normally spend in uk? pls advise me so that i wll know what to do.

Regards

Adams Lawrence

Hello Adams,

Please find attached a photo of Igor. I am sure you will have no trouble spotting him once he arrives in your beautiful country. He will meet you at midnight inside Querelle Bar, where all the solitary sailors go when they seek love. He will have with him two statues of the Virgin. Each statue will contain inside 20 gold coins, which I hope is enough to pay for government taxes, put a down payment on the land and buy a lil' gift for each of the security guards (by the way, can you give me suggestions for gifts to them? Do they like cashmere and taffeta?)

It's been 9 hours now since Igor said goodbye and went to the port. It was a very emotional scene, with tears shed by the both of us. Damn, I am going to miss that hunchback! I know I treat him harshly sometimes, but he is a good companion and does the housework competently. I hope you treat him well when you meet him, Mr Lawrence.

Igor will try to send me telegraphs from the boat if he manages to enter the captain's cabin without being noticed. I shall keep you updated on his journey. In the meantime, tell me about yourself. What is your favorite book, your favorite film? You are very mysterious Mr Lawrence. Are you one of those strong and silent types?

Hugs,

Mr Carvalho

( Photo of my P.A. and finance officer Igor )

Dear Cavarlho,
Thanks for your email, presently i am not in uk because of some business deals, i am in spain right now.
Firstly i believe that the land will be ok by you because there is a duplex that was built by me on the land and i have force men that guarding the house and the land 24 hours, so travelling down to west africa to see the land will never be a problem becuase there is sea around the land and you will be welcomed properly like a king. i want you to contact my lawyer in west africa so that he can tell you more things about the land and how the transaction will take place. my lawyer in west africa can be reached on his phone: +123-4567891011 or you can mail him earlier so that he can tell you what to do next. this is the email address of my lawyer: adams.lawrence516@legaleagle.com tell him that you are from brown lennon and i will call him now.
Regards
Brown Lennon

Dear Mr Lennon,

It warms my heart to hear you describe me as a King. Many moons ago this was how people called me when I walked the streets of Europe's capitals. As things go, my name has fallen from use (and into a certain disrepute) and is now almost forgotten by those who should remember it most. I am also very happy to hear that the land is provided with a duplex protected by guards. I imagine they must be tall, strong men - their powerful muscles and piercing eyes inspiring fear and admiration on those that approach the compound. Can't wait to meet them!

Since our last correspondence, it has become a matter of urgency that I leave the U.K. I fear that some individuals here do not have my best interests at heart and are determined to find my resting place. I have a faithful friend, Igor, who is a type of personal assistant - he will be travelling to West Africa before me to make sure my arrival by boat goes smoothly, and that the duplex is fitted for my needs. The both of us are very keen on leaving this island A.S.A.P.

On a completely unrelated note, have you ever watched the TV show Rupaul's Drag Race? Igor and I have been so addicted to it we spent nearly our entire Easter weekend watching it. There are some Fierce Divas in that show! I highly recommend it as a mixture of light entertainment and fabulous spectacle unlike anything else on the telly. I only wish they would bring the format to the U.K. because I could see the British public lapping this show up. What's the TV like in your country by the way? Are there many interesting shows? I do tend to stay indoors a lot (especially during the summer) so I rely on the TV for some of my entertainment.

I hope this e-mail finds you well. Please do pass my contact details to your lawyer and ask him to contact me (but only after 8pm) so that I can learn how to proceed from here.

Yours truly,

Mr Carvalho

P.S. Igor waves hello.